Kaffee comic

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Image Gallery: kaffee und kuchen comic

Ari Plikat Illustration В» В» Kaffee und Kuchen

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Top SEO News, 2017

Google will keep in secret the number of search quality algorithms

How many search quality algorithms does Google use? This question was put to the John Mueller, the companyвЂ™s employee during the last video conference with webmasters.

The question was:

"When you mention Google's quality algorithm, how many algorithms do you use?"

Mueller responded the following:

"Usually we do not talk about how many algorithms we use. We publicly state that we have 200 factors when it comes to scanning, indexing and ranking.

Generally, the number of algorithms is a casual number. For instance, one algorithm can be used to display a letter on the search results page. Therefore, we believe that counting the exact number of algorithms that Google uses is not something that is really useful [for optimizers].

From this point of view, I canвЂ™t tell you how many algorithms are involved in Google search."

Gary Illyes shares his point of view on how important referential audit is

At the Brighton SEO event that took place last week, Google rep called Gary Illyes shared his opinion about the importance of auditing the website's link profile. This information was reported by Jennifer Slagg in the TheSEMPost blog.

Since Google Penguin was modified into real-time update and started ignoring spam links instead of imposing sanctions on websites, this has led to a decrease of the value of auditing external links.

According to Gary Illyes, auditing of links is not necessary for all websites at the present moment.

"I talked to a lot of SEO specialists from big enterprises about their business and their answers differed. These companies have different opinions on the reason why they reject links.

I don't think that helding too many audits makes sense, because, as you noted, we successfully ignore the links, and if we see that the links are of an organic nature, it is highly unlikely that we will apply manual sanctions to a website.

In case your links are ignored by the "Penguin", there is nothing to worry about.

I've got my own website, which receives about 100,000 visits a week. I have it for 4 years already and I do not have a file named Disavow. I do not even know who is referring to me.

Thus, in the case when before a website owner was engaged in buying links or using other prohibited methods of link building, then conducting an audit of the reference profile and rejecting unnatural links is necessary in order to avoid future manual sanctions. It is important to remember that rejecting links can lead to a decrease in resource positions in the global search results, since many webmasters often reject links that actually help the website, rather than doing any harm to it.

Therefore, referential audits are needed if there were any violations in the history of the resource. They are not necessary for many website owners and it is better to spend this time on improving the website itself, says Slagg.

Googlebot still refuses to scan HTTP/2

During the last video conference with webmasters Google rep called John Mueller said that Googlebot still refrains to scan HTTP.

The reason is that the crawler already scans the content that fast, so the benefits that the browser receives (web pages loading time is decreased) are not that important.

"No, at the moment we do not scan HTTP / 2. We are still investigating what we can do about it. In general, the difficult part is that Googlebot is not a browser, so it does not get the same speed effects that are observed within a browser when implementing HTTP / 2. We can cache data and make requests in a different way than a regular browser. Therefore, we do not see the full benefits of scanning HTTP / 2.

But with more websites implementing push notification feature, Googlebot developers are on the point of adding support for HTTP in future.вЂќ

It should be recalled that in April 2016, John Mueller said that the use of the HTTP / 2 protocol on the website does not directly affect the ranking in Google, but it improves the experience of users due to faster loading speed of the pages. Therefore, if you have a change, it is recommended to move to this protocol.

Google does not check all spam reports in manual mode

Google employee named John Mueller stated that the search team does not check all spam reports manually during the last video conference with webmasters.

The question to Mueller was the following:

"Some time ago we sent a report on a spam, but still have not seen any changes. Do you check each and every report manually?"

No, we do not check all spam reports manually. "

Later Mueller added:

"We are trying to determine which reports about spam have the greatest impact, it is on them that we focus our attention and it is their anti-spam team that checks manually, processes and, if necessary, applies manual sanctions. Most of the other reports that come to us is just information that we collect and can use to improve our algorithms in the future. At the same time, he noted that small reports about violations of one page scale are less prioritized for Google. But when this information can be applied to a number of pages, these reports become more valuable and are prior to be checked.

As for the report processing time, it takes some considerable time. As Mueller explained, taking measures may take "some time", but not a day or two.

It should be recalled that in 2016, Google received about 35 thousand messages about spam from users every month. About 65% of all the reports led to manual sanctions.

Google keeps ignoring the Last-Modified meta tag

Google still ignores the Last-Modified meta tag in the search. This was stated by the companyвЂ™s employee, John Mueller providing a response to a question from one of the webmasters on Twitter.

The question was:

"In 2011 you said that Google does not use the http-equiv =" last-modified "tag for crawling. Is that still so? ".

Mueller replied the following:

Yep, we still do not use it.

- John в˜† .o (в‰§ в–Ѕ в‰¦) o. в˜† (@JohnMu) August 11, 2017

The tag was originally used to alert the crawlers that the page was updated, or to specify the date the page was last refreshed.

In 2011 John Mueller made a post on the Webmaster Central Help forum in which he stated that Google does not use the Last-Modified meta tag for scanning, indexing, or ranking. This tag is also not included in the list of meta tags considered by Google. With all this, other search engines can still use it.

Google Drive will become a backup tool

Google plans to make a backup tool out of Google's cloud service. Soon it will be available to track and archive files inside any folder the user specifies. This can also be the contents of the entire hard disk or the Documents folder.

The backup function will be available from June 28 after the release of the new Backup and Sync application, which is the latest version of Google Drive for Mac / PC.

It is assumed that users will have the opportunity to open and edit files located in the cloud. It is still not clear whether they will be able to synchronize information between multiple PCs using Disk as an intermediary.

Since the auto update to Backup and Sync is not planned, the company recommends installing a new application immediately after being released.

The new feature is primarily targeted at corporate Google Drive users.

AdWords launches a new keyword-level bidding interface

Google AdWords users all around the world noticed that is a new keyword-level bidding interface is launching soon.

Google will show recommended bids for different ad positions on the page, even if the bid simulator for this keyword is not available.

Some phases were also changed a little bit. Instead of the "top of the page" is now replaced by "over all organic results"; instead of "first position" the tab "over all other ads" will be now used.

There was no official launch announcement yet.

Let us remind you that Google AdWords changed algorithm of work of the Optimizer of the price for conversion last week. Earlier this tool could raise the maximum bid for prospective clicks by no more than 30%. Now this restriction is lifted.

Google updates the guidelines for assessors third time this year

It's third time this year that Google has updated the guidelines for assessors (experts assessing the quality of search results and the pages displayed in it). This time, the changes are even smaller than in the previous version of the document, which was published in May 2017.

The latest innovations will mainly be interested to SEO specialists who work with non-English pages.

For instance, the pseudoscientific and fake content details have been clarified, comments displaying pornographic ads on websites that do not contain adult content have been removed, new examples of pages with the lowest quality have been introduced, as well as a completely new section on the display of results in English for non-English-speaking locales.

There are changes that are purely of a natural style: for example, the selection of some words in italics has been removed. The section on using the Foreign Language label for pages in a foreign language like Ukrainian and Russian is replaced with an example of Catalan and Spanish.

A complete guide for assessors Google is a 160 pages book.

It should be recalled that the Google assessors guide has already been updated in March and May this year. The main changes aimed at combating dubious content in search results took place this March. The largest May updates affected the assessment of the quality of news websites, in particular the use of the "Upsetting-Offensive" label that was introduced in March.

Google will no longer trust WoSign and StarCom certificates

Google reports that in the coming months, it will completely stop cooperation with certificates issued by WoSign and StarCom certification centers. The change will take effect with the release of Chrome 61, which is expected in mid-September. It will affect the certificates issued before October 21, 2016, the period of validity of which has not yet expired.

Last year, Google Chrome 56 stopped trusting the certificates from WoSign and StarCom, released later October 21, 2016. After the release of Chrome 57, the browser partially stopped trusting the old certificates. An exception was made for websites that are among the first million in the Alexa rating. From now on, all certificates from these centers will be banned.

"Starting with Chrome 61, the white list will be removed, which will lead to a complete cessation of trust in the existing root certificates of WoSign and StarCom and all certificates that they have given out. Websites that still use certificates from StarCom and WoSign should urgently consider replacing them, so as to minimize any inconveniences to Chrome users," reports Google.

It should be recalled Mozilla announced about freezing its cooperation with WoSign and StartCom in September 2016. Starting with the Firefox 51 the certificates are considered to be invalid. At the same time, the support of certificates issued before October 21, 2016 is still preserved.

Cyber attack that took place on May 12 affected 200,000 users from 150 countries

The victims of the mass cyberattack that occurred on May 12 were 200 thousand users from 150 countries. This information was stated by the press-secretary of the European police department (Europol) Jen Ohn Jen Hurt.

According to him, there are many affected companies, including large corporations. He also noted that the cyber attack may continue on May 15, when people come to work and turn on their computers.

The virus, called WannaCry blocks access to files and requires affected users to pay $ 300 ransom in bitcoins. Unless the price is paid in three days, hackers threaten to double this amount, and after 7 they remove all files from the computer.

The first reports of cyber attacks appeared in the media and social networks on Friday, May 12. According to Europol, the malware was launched from the National Health Service of England. Then it affected networks in other countries. The virus infected computer networks of the Ministry of Internal Affairs, Megafon and other organizations in Russia.

Proofpoint specialist Darien Hass and author of the MalwareTech blog managed to stop the spread of the virus using code to access a meaningless domain on May 13. However, the WannaCry creators released a new version of the virus, which no longer refers to this domain name.

It is noted in Europol that the motivation of hackers is not fully understood. Typically, this type of attack is revenue-oriented. However, in this case, the amount of the repurchase is small. According to the ministry, only a few companies and individuals agreed to pay $ 300 to attackers, following the recommendations of law enforcement agencies. According to The Guardian, the accounts of the creators of the extortion virus received $ 42,000 from approximately 100 people.

The intruders have not been revealed yet.

Seo Facts #19

There are over 1.2 trillion global searches being conducted each month. (2016)

Seo Facts #127

В In the April 2015 survey by Manta of small business owners the respondents were most likely to see a return of less than $100 per month from social media marketing. Just 13.5% generated monthly social media ROI of more than $1,000.В (Source:В eMarketer)

Seo Facts #184

For the full holiday weekend, mobile shopping accounted for 32.1% of orders, up from 26.4% over the same period in 2014.В В (Source:В Custora)

Seo Facts #131

ROI: In the Email Marketing Industry Census 2015, eConsultancy & Adestra found that among digital marketers 79% ranked ROI from email вЂњgoodвЂќ or вЂњexcellentвЂќ, 76% ranked ROI from SEO вЂњgoodвЂќ or вЂњexcellentвЂќ, and 35% ranked ROI from social media as вЂњgoodвЂќ or вЂњexcellent.вЂќВ (Source:В Movable Ink)

Seo Facts #30

Ranking near the top of search results is great, but if you want the click, your title and description better be top-notch also. In 2005, searchers spent just under 2 seconds, on average, viewing each listing; in 2014 that has dropped to 1.17 seconds. (MarketingProfs)

Seo Facts #174

For the full 2015 holiday weekend (Thanksgiving day through Cyber Monday), revenue growth over 2014 came in strong at 16.4%.В В (Source:В Custora)

Kaffee mit Milch #1

'tis but a barren wasteland

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Harald Juch

(b. 1950, Germany)

Harald Juch is a German illustrator and comic artist. He completed his art studies in his birth city Essen, and spent the first years of his professional career as a commercial illustrator. He moved to Berlin in 1980 and spent four years drawing cartoons and comic strips for the daily Die Tageszeitung. He then worked in Nicaragua for several years as a cartoonist for publications designed to promote agricultural development.

He returned to Berlin in 1990, where he works as an illustrator and cartoonist, as well as in the area of graffiti art and animated films. He is the illustrator for the children's book series 'Die drei . Kids', written by Boris Pfeiffer and other writers for Kosmos Verlag. He has made many comic strips for commercial clients, like Kaiser´s Kaffee, Springer Verlag, Lindenstrasse and Nissan. He has also ghosted cartoons for Brösel and has worked on 'Papa Moll' balloon strips. Juch is affiliated with the Becker Illustration agency.

Last updated: 2012-04-14

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Daniel Kaffee

Lieutenant Daniel Alistair Kaffee is the protagonist of the play A Few Good Men and the 1992 movie based upon the play.

Kaffee was the son of a US attorney. Using the navy to help finance his education, Kaffee was biding his time until he fulfilled his service obligations and could go into lucrative private practice. Assigned to defend soldiers facing charges for minor offenses, he largely resorted to plea bargains, and was often able to successfully plea over 40 cases.

When Lance Corporal Harold W. Dawson and Private Louden Downey were arrested for the murder of Private William Santiago, Lt. Commander JoAnne Galloway suspected this was a code red gone horribly wrong. She requested to be assigned as defense counsel, however the JAG decided Kaffee should be defense counsel instead.

At first Kaffee wanted to plea bargain the case, even working out a deal with the prosecutor United States Marines Captain Jack Ross. However his clients refused the bargain even though it could get them home in six months. Galloway was named counsel for Downey at the request of his Aunt Jennie. Galloway convinced Kaffee to take the case to court martial.

Taking the case to court the defense team were able to establish the existence of code reds at the Marine Base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Kaffee and his colleagues were also able to establish that Dawson was denied a promotion when he helped out a Marine who had gotten in trouble. They suffered a setback when it came out that Downey wasn't actually there when Dawson was given an order by Jonathan Kendrick to perform a code red.

When former Guantanamo Bay executive officer Matthew Markinson showed up Kaffee hoped that his testimony would bring the truth to light, but Markinson decided to commit suicide, despondent over the fact that he failed to protect Santiago which resulted in the death of the young man.

Learning of the suicide, Kaffee thought the case was lost. Getting drunk he got in to an argument with Galloway over whether or not to put base commander Colonel Nathan R. Jessup on the stand. Kaffee came to the conclusion that the only way to win was to put Jessup on the stand, even though he risked a court martial for smearing a high ranking officer without good cause.

The next day Kaffee questioned Jessup on the stand. At first Jessup is able to talk his way through Kaffee's questions, but becomes unnerved when Kaffee picks up on an inconsistency - when Jessup said he transferred Santiago off the base for his own safety Kaffee said that if Jessup ordered his people to leave Santiago alone he should not have been in any danger at all. Kaffee then took a risk and asked Jessup if he ordered a code red while Ross protested and the judge advocate yelled that he was in contempt and advised Jessup that he didn't have to answer the question.

I think I'm entitled.

You want answers?!

I WANT THE TRUTH!

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Jessup and Kaffee's famous exchange

Jessup, for his part decided to answer Kaffee's questions, going on an extended rant about national security and how he had to take strong measures to keep the country safe. Kaffee asked him again and Jessup finally admitted that he ordered a code red. The jurors were excused while Jessup was placed under arrest. The courtroom guards were forced to hold Jessup back to keep him from assaulting Kaffee. In the original play, Kaffee gave this response to Jessup's rant;

Kaffee's response to Jessup's rant in the original play.

Jessup was led out of the courtroom by the courtroom guards, still feeling that he was right and all Kaffee did was weaken a nation.

At the conclusion of the court martial the jurors decided that Dawson and Downey were not guilty of the more serious charges, including murder. The two men were found guilty of conduct unbecoming. They were both sentenced to time served and ordered dishonorably discharged from the Marine Corps. Dawson finally accepted the truth, that he and Downey failed in their duty to defend those like Santiago who couldn't defend themselves.

Ross is left to arrest Jessup's cohort Lt. Kendrick for his role in Santiago´s murder. As he left Kaffee asked Ross to tell Kendrick hello, which Ross said he would do. After everyone cleared out of the courtroom, Kaffee remarked that this was what a courtroom looked like.

The Eaten Path A global collection of food and travel stories, 2008-2012

I’ll admit it: I enjoy the sweeter things in life. If given the choice between savory or sweet, I’m almost always going to reach for the sweets, though at times I do want to have my cake and eat it too. Fortunately, this predilection has brought me to a most wonderful tradition, known in Germany as kaffee und kuchen (“coffee and cake”).

Kaffee und kuchen is also referred to as a zwischenmahlzeit, or a meal between meals (similar to the British tradition of Teatime), and is really an excuse to get together in the afternoon. The “official” kaffee und kuchen time is 4:00 p.m., when Germans might pause to enjoy some treats, gossip, catch up or spend a leisurely afternoon moment with friends, family or guests.

I may be stretching it a bit when I call kaffee und kuchen a tradition, as it seems to be a dying one in Germany’s modern times. It’s hard these days to find people willing or able to make time for this old form of entertainment, and if so, then it’s most likely on a Sunday afternoon, when everything is essentially closed. That said, everyone is still aware that this pastime once existed, and every so often I find the younger folk sharing a kaffee und kuchen afternoon with their friends, simply on account of its kitsch value.

What makes this tradition so beautiful and so accessible is Germany’s endless line of bakeries and cafes. Most of them are bound to have some type of kuchen, and given such a wide variance of quality and type, those browsing the full selection of cakes, tarts and pies must know exactly where to go for the right dessert. Those who just want to enjoy something sweet with a nice cup of coffee can pop into almost any café or bakery and be on their way to a great afternoon.

If you are averse to heavy cream, butter, fat and loads of sugar, then sadly this isn’t a tradition for you. German cakes are no joke when it comes to making sure every possibly unhealthy ingredient is used, and that’s why I’m in love with them. Many cakes you’ll find filled with pure butter cream. Others are topped with all sorts of fresh fruits. Yet others are crowned with a half-foot mountain of pure chocolate with sugary frosting, and of course there are cakes baked with alcohol, like schnapps or rum. I wouldn’t necessarily promote consuming every one of these as a daily tradition, but as a lover of sweets I find it necessary to sometimes let go of my health-conscious views and indulge. I also find it necessary to ask for a healthy dose of schlagsahne (fresh whipping cream) to accompany my already sinful slice of life.

Bonn is still home to many wonderful destinations for kaffee und kuchen. I’m partial to Schloss-Café Poppelsdorf, as they have a wonderful selection of cakes and a wonderful outdoor patio. I would also recommend Breuer’s Cafe, which, although a bit on the outskirts of Bonn, houses a huge offering of sweets. Both cafes – along with most cafes here in Bonn – happily serve delicious coffee drinks to accompany these treats, and I am never disappointed in the quality of coffee here in Germany.

Tradition is what brings us together and what keeps us together, and when it comes to German bakeries, tradition is constantly challenging my waistline. The sweet spot of this tradition embodies two things I adore: the chance to indulge in excessive desserts (before dinner of all things) and the chance to spend time with family and friends. Kaffee und kuchen, antiquated as it may be, acknowledges the need to cut a slice out of our busy lives, to designate an afternoon to simply talk, and of course to do this while stuffing our faces with sugary, fat-laden, cream-stuffed wonder.

Königswinterer Str. 697

I’ve become obsessed with teatime recently… not so much the appointed time as the act of taking a breather and enjoying the simple pleasure of coffee and pastry, as you’ve been doing. The corner of my new bedroom will soon house a 2×2′ bar table, two stools, a Japanese tea set, French press, and pastry dish expressly for this purpose! I love sharing a coffee with a friend at the local cafe, but there’s something about having a teatime corner at home that is immensely more appealing.

Hello! I am spending the month of July in Bonn and happened upon your articles while Googling for some particular places to eat. I will have to give Schloss-Café a try! Many thanks.

@ James – So glad you are a fan of the tradition as well – it’s nice that it still lives on in other places in the world, in other people’s lives.

@ Chris – Enjoy your time in Bonn! Hope you get to discover and enjoy many of the culinary delights here to be had!

omg they look amze balls

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Kaffee comic

Coffee humor in its truest form! Including 78 ways to know if you drink too much coffee, along with some of the oldest coffee jokes to be found. Now grab that cup of java, sit back, and enjoy.

Now fill-up your mug and enjoy! Do you have a site brewing? Send me the URL, if I can't find it, I can't add it. Food & Coffee pages on this site (*link pages): Sign My Guestbook View My Guestbook

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
The only kitchen appliances you own are made by Mr. Coffee.
You ski uphill.
You get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You sleep with your eyes open.
When you open your dish cabinet, and there is only mugs.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
Your coffee cake, must have coffee in it.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute. with your feet.
The only gift you get for Valentines Day you get chocolate covered beans.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
All your kids are named "Joe".
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
Every shirt or blouse you own has a coffee stain on it.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio and people test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You can jump to the moon.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are. coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.

Spouse #2: That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

What do you call a cow who's just given birth? De-calf-inated!

"I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," prescribed the doctor. "You gotta be kidding, doc," I've been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee".

I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don't you quit drinking coffee. He said, "because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all."

Why do the Lakers have to drink their coffee black? No KAREEM any more. :)

This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: "How much is the coffee?" "Coffee is three dollars the waitress said". "How much is a refill?" the man asked. "Free". said the waitress. "Then I'll take a refill".

Two woman are fighting in the supermarket. One quickly get the Folgers coffee, and dumps down the other woman's shirt. The lady asks why did she did that? Her response was, "There's nothin' more better than waking up with Folgers in your cup."

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns." He said "I'm gonna help you, Dear. I'll get you some aspirins for the headache, I'll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you'll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning!"

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea? Waiter: What does it taste like? Customer: It tastes like gasoline! Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.

What's fat and drinks a lot of coffee? ----------Java the Hut

I have heard that if your wife/husband makes bad coffee, that is grounds for divorce.

Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.

Spouse #2: That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

While traveling through Antigo, Wis. our family stopped in a local restaurant for a brief respite while driving. My father ordered 2 cups of coffee for he and my mother. My mother after tasting the coffee looked at my father and they each grimaced at each other. Looking around, my father noticed a sign above the back corner which said, "Don't knock our coffee, you may be old and weak yourself sometime."

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning. I reply----No, I just bring her some coffee .

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye," the psychiatrist said, "well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

I'm sure all coffee beans are juvenile. They're always getting grounded!

Why Coffee Is Better Than Men

A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. You can always warm coffee up. Coffee comes with endless refills. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. You can make coffee as sweet as you want. Coffee smells and tastes good. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back. They have coffee at police stations. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup. INSTANT COFFEE!

Must Have Caffeine

Edit Locked

Neelix: I'm sorry, Captain, we lost two more replicators this morning—

Janeway: Listen to me VERY carefully, because I'm only going to say this once: Coffee. Black.

Ah, caffeine! Truly one of the greatest gifts of nature. It allows us humans to surpass the limits of our endurance when we need it most, and it has become a sort of lifestyle for a lot of us.

As a result of these special qualities, coffee and associated paraphernalia like coffeepots, coffee mugs and paper coffee cups with plastic covers have become an ubiquitous feature of every office setting. Oftentimes when points are being discussed, one or more of the participants will have a mug in hand. Important things happen around the office coffeepot, and the number of paper cups at an employee's desk is often used as a visual indicator of how much stress he or she is under. For some reason, other drinks are not considered to be as representative of our reliance on caffeine as good, strong coffee, even if some teas actually have more caffeine.

Outside of the office, people of all professions have also been depicted as being dependent on caffeine — to the point where attempts to drop the habit are used as a dramatic device. In certain works, something other than coffee may be used (such as soda), including obvious stand-ins used where real caffeinated beverages would be out of place.

Sudden and unexpected deprivation of this essential substance, on the other hand, is sometimes depicted with comedic consequences, such as sleeping or lobotomized workers.

There are some theories that the Renaissance and the Industrial Revolution only occurred because the Western world discovered coffee.

People who actually dislike coffee generally only turn up in fiction as a literal punchline to the old "do you want to come in for coffee" joke. Or they're British.

Compare: Spot of Tea, G-Rated Drug, Caffeine Bullet Time, Klatchian Coffee. See also Gigantic Gulp. Often the only means of defying Not a Morning Person. This trope is usually the only reason people tolerate coffee that's Bad to the Last Drop. Caffeine Failure is when the caffeine won't work for one reason or another.

Example subpages:

Other examples

In ads for McDonalds Premium Roast Coffee we see a man who says to everyone who tries to interact with him, "not before I have my coffee." Including the person at the fast food restaurant he goes to, presumably to buy coffee.
A 1970s ad for Jack in the Box showed a growling werewolf driving a car, who only turned back into a normal man when he'd gotten his morning cup of coffee from the Jack in the Box drive-through. ("Do you feel like a monster in the morning before you've had coffee?")

Flavor text for the Net Runner card "Jack 'n' Joe":

On FM & AM's "Drugs," we hear this from George Carlin:

Hoodwinked's Twitchy is insanely addicted to caffeine (and in denial too), to which other characters attribute his hyperactive persona. Becomes a Chekhov's Gun near the end when he is given a huge dose of coffee to enable him to outpace and apprehend the villains.
In Meet the Robinsons,Lewis works all night on his invention, preventing his roommate, Goob — a very short child — from sleeping before his big baseball game. As he's complaining to Mildred the next day, he trades his juice box for her coffee and walks off saying "That's good joe."

According to legend, when coffee arrived in Europe, the Moral Guardians took issue with drinking an Islamic drink. The issue came before The Pope, whereupon he took a whiff and baptized it because good Christians shouldn't be deprived of such an obviously heavenly drink. The real story is even better. It seems that the hard-working scholar-diplomat Pope Clement VIII was already a big fan of coffee, and wasn't about to let some stuffy old-fashioned advisors stand in the way of progress or his all-nighters.

The 50th aniversary cover of Private Eye showed two versions of their mascot Gnitty, surrounded by the essential paraphenallia of journalism in 1961 and 2011. Prominently displayed are a cup and saucer (1961) and a Starbucks paper cup (2011).

Claudio Castagnoli was known for drinking coffee during his promos and had a blog which documented his coffee intake.

In Microsoft Bob, Java the dinosaur, personal guide and friend of Bob, is always seen with coffee mug in hand, and will replace his mug if it breaks for some reason. Espresso bars are Java's natural habitat.

The only way to get through a game of Risk in one sitting. Or almost.
In Twilight: 2000, the coffee production and distribution infrastructure was one of the first things to be repaired After the End.

The musical How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying includes the song "Coffee Break ".

Mach in SC2VN goes out to buy energy drinks so much that he starts to view the local store clerk as a father figure.
Prosecutor Godot (goh-doh) from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is obsessed with coffee, it being his "gimmick" of sorts. He often uses obscure coffee metaphors when describing his case, drinks up to seventeen cups in one trial day, has coffee served to him in a mug slid across the prosecutor's desk, does Spit Takes, and throws his coffee at Phoenix when things aren't looking so good. It's also worth noting that it was the aroma of coffee in his room what woke him up from his Convenient Coma.
- In Case 4 of Trials and Tribulations, which is set six years before the present it becomes very clear that Diego Armando is Godot when he starts making coffee metaphors to Mia .
- It also ends up being an important symbol at the end of the game, as when he drinks his last cup Phoenix drinks one as well, indicating reconciliation .

RWBY:
- Professor Ozpin's rarely seen without a coffee mug; he drinks hot chocolate rather than coffee, but hot chocolate is a caffeinated beverage and he drinks an awful lot of it. The new students have their first lesson on a clifftop overlooking a monster-filled forest. and even in that location Professor Ozpin manages to conduct the lesson with a mug in hand. The one time he was seen without his drink for any length of time was also the one time where his behaviour was so out-of-character that it was lamp-shaded in-universe that he was Not Himself. When Ozpin explains his currentsituation to Team RNJR, Qrow briefly leaves the room to poor him a mug.
- Doctor Oobleck may be even worse than Ozpin. Within in the space of a single lesson, his lecture is constantly interrupted by him pausing to guzzle coffee after coffee, of several different types, including espresso-shot mugs. He also never stops moving for long and his jittery behaviour indicates he can barely stand still for a moment. His weapon is eventually revealed to his his coffee thermos flask, which morphs into a flame-thrower.

Alternative Title(s): Must Have Coffee

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Kaffee: Motel room in North East with six federal marshalls outside his door. Take a sip of your drink.

Kaffee: The transfer order that Markinson signed is a phony. Jessup's statement that the 6am flight was the first available is a lie. We're checking the tower chief's log.

Kaffee: In the mean time I thought we'd put the Apostle John Kendrick on the stand and see if we can't have a little fun.

Capt. Ross: Alright. I have an obligation to tell you that if you accuse Kendrick or Jessup of any crime without proper evidence then you're going to be subject to a court martial for professional misconduct and that is something that's going to be stapled to every job application that you ever fill out. Markinson's not going to hold up, Danny, he's a crazy man! Now, I'm not telling you this to intimidate you I'm being your lawyer here.

Kaffee: Oh, thanks, Jack. And I want to tell you that I think the whole fucking bunch of you are certifiably insane! This code of honor of yours makes me want to beat the shit out of something!

Capt. Ross: Don't you dare lump me in with Jessup and Kendrick just because we wear the same uniform. I'm your friend and I'm telling you, I don't think your clients belong in jail but I don't get to make that decision! I represent the government of the United States without passion or prejudice and my client has a case! There you go. Now I want you to acknowledge that the Judge Advocate has made you aware of the possible consequences of accusing a Marine officer of a felony without proper evidence.

Capt. Ross: You got bullied into that courtroom, Danny, by everyone. By Dawson. By Galloway. Shit, I practically dared you. You got bullied into that courtroom by the memory of a dead lawyer.

Kaffee: [shouting as Jack leaves] You're a lousy fucking softball player, Jack!

Capt. Ross: Your boys are going down, Danny. I can't stop it anymore.

Lt. Kendrick: I would say he was about average.

Kaffee: Lieutenant, you signed three Proficiency and Conduct reports on Santiago, and in all three reports, you indicate a rating of below average.

Lt. Kendrick: [looking through the reports he signed] Yes, Private Santiago was below average. I did not see the need to trample on a man's grave.

Kaffee: Well, we appreciate that, but you are under oath now, and I think as unpleasant as it may be, we'd all just as soon hear the truth.

Kaffee: Lieutenant, these are the last three Pro-Con reports you signed for Lance Corporal Dawson. Dawson received two marks of exceptional, but on this most recent report dated June 9th of this year, he received a rating of below average. It's this last report I'd like to discuss for a moment.

Kaffee: Lance Corporal Dawson's ranking after the school of infantry was perfect. Records indicate that more than half that class has since been promoted to full Corporal while Dawson has remained a Lance Corporal. Was Dawson's promotion held up because of this last report?

Kaffee: Do you recall why Dawson was given such a poor grade on this last report?

Lt. Kendrick: I'm sure I don't. I have many men in my charge, Lieutenant. I write many reports.

Kaffee: Lieutenant, do you recall an incident involving a PFC Curtis Bell who had been found stealing liquor from the Officer's Club?

Kaffee: Did you report Private Bell to the proper authorities?

Lt. Kendrick: I have two books at my bedside, Lieutenant: the Marine Corps Code of Conduct and the King James Bible. The only proper authorities I am aware of are my commanding officer, Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, and the Lord, our God.

Kaffee: At your request, Lieutenant, I can have the record reflect your lack of acknowledgment of this court as a proper authority.

Judge Randolph: Sustained. Watch yourself, Counselor.

Kaffee: Did you report Private Bell to your superiors?

Lt. Kendrick: I remember thinking very highly of Private Bell, of not wanted to see his record tarnished by a formal charge.

Kaffee: You preferred that it be handled within the unit.

Kaffee: Lieutenant, do you know what a Code Red is?

Kaffee: You scared the shit out of me.

Kaffee: Are you aware that you're under subpoena?

Lt. Col. Matthew Andrew Markinson: Yes. I'm also aware that the lives of two Marines are in your hands. If there were something I could do about that, I would. But since I can't, all I can do is help you, Lieutenant.

Kaffee: Did Kendrick give the order?

Lt. Col. Matthew Andrew Markinson: He was never going to be transferred off that base.

[Kaffee turns the corner and stops the car]

Lt. Col. Matthew Andrew Markinson: Jessep was going to keep him on the base. He said he wanted him trained.

Kaffee: [turns around in his seat to face him] We've got the transfer order its got your signature.

Lt. Col. Matthew Andrew Markinson: I know. I signed that the morning you arrived in Cuba, five days after Santiago died.

Kaffee: I'm going to get you a deal some kind of immunity with the prosecutor, and in about four days, you're going to appear as a witness for the defense and you're going to tell the court exactly what you just told me. Right now, I'm going to get you into a motel room and we're going to start from the beginning.

Lt. Col. Matthew Andrew Markinson: I don't want a deal and I don't want immunity. I want you to know that I am proud neither of what I have done nor what I am doing.

Kaffee: Nothing to be sorry about, Sherby, you just look the ball into your glove. Shootin' two!

Kaffee: Sherby, you gotta trust me, you keep your eyes open and your chances of catching ball increase by a factor of 10.

Kaffee: Dave, you seem distraught.

Lieutenant Dave Spradling: We were supposed to meet in your office fifteen minutes ago to talk about the McDermont case. You're stalling on this thing. We get this done right now, or I mean it, Kaffee, I'm going to hang your boy from a fuckin' yardarm!

Kaffee: Yardarm? Sherby, does the Navy still hang people from Yardarms?

Kaffee: Dave, Sherby doesn't think the Navy hang people from yardarms anymore.

Lieutenant Dave Spradling: I'm going to charge him with possession and being under the influence while on duty. You plead guilty, I recommend thirty days in the brig with loss of rank and pay.

Kaffee: It was oregano, Dave. It was ten dollars' worth of oregano.

Lieutenant Dave Spradling: Yeah, but your client thought it was marijuana.

Kaffee: My client's a moron. That's not against the law.

Lieutenant Dave Spradling: Kaffee, I have people to answer to, just like you do. I'm going to charge him.

Kaffee: With what? Possession of a condiment?

Kaffee: Dave, I tried to help you out of this, but if you ask for jail time, I'm going to file a motion to dismiss.

Kaffee: I will get it. And if the MTD is denied, I'll file a motion in limine seeking to obtain an evidentary ruling in advance, and after that I'm going to file against pretrial confinement, and you're going to spend the next three months going blind on paperwork because a Signalman Second Class bought and smoked a dime bag of oregano.

Kaffee: C misdemeanor, fifteen days restricted duty.

Kaffee: [in his apartment] Downtown Lodge on North East.

Kaffee: That's probably a good idea. Anyway he also says that.

Galloway: [over the phone] My clearance code is 411527273. Thank you.

Kaffee: Clearance code? I don't have a clearance code. Do you have a clearance code?

Kaffee: Anyway, he also says that Jessup's lying about the transportation off the base. Jessup said the 6 was the first flight out Santiago couuld have left on. Markinson says there was a plane that left seven hours earlier.

Kaffee: That was impressive. Did you get what I said about the flight?

Galloway: Yes. Sam, when a flight takes off there's got to be some kind of record kept, right?

Lt. Weinberg: Yeah, you need the tower chief's log from Gitmo.

Kaffee: Joe, let's not go crazy about this. We don't know who Markinson is we don't know what the log book's going to say. You just concentrate on Downey. I'm going to talk to Ross and tell him where we are.

Kaffee: Do you have an answer to the question, Colonel?

Col. Jessup: Absolutely. My answer is I don't have the first damn clue. Maybe he was an early riser and liked to pack in the morning. And maybe he didn't have any friends. I'm an educated man, but I'm afraid I can't speak intelligently about the travel habits of William Santiago. What I do know is that he was set to leave the base at 0600. Now, are these the questions I was really called here to answer? Phone calls and foot lockers? Please tell me that you have something more, Lieutenant. These two Marines are on trial for their lives. Please tell me their lawyer hasn't pinned their hopes to a phone bill.

[Kaffee hesitates, dumbfounded]

Col. Jessup: Do you have any more questions for me, Counselor?

Judge Randolph: Lieutenant, do you have anything further for this witness?

Col. Jessup: [standing to leave] Thanks, Danny. I love Washington.

Kaffee: I'm not through with my examination. Sit down.

Col. Jessup: I would appreciate it if you would address me as "Colonel" or "Sir." I believe I've earned it.

Judge Randolph: Defense counsel will address the witness as "Colonel" or "Sir."

Col. Jessup: I don't know what the hell kind of unit you're running here.

Col. Jessup: And the witness will address this court as "Judge" or "Your Honor." I'm quite certain I've earned it. Take your seat, Colonel.

[stands up defiantly]

Col. Jessup: I'm gonna get on a plane and go on back to my base.

Judge Randolph: You're not going anywhere, Colonel. MP's. guard the Colonel!

Capt. Ross: Colonel Jessup, you have the right to remain silent. Any statement you make.

Col. Jessup: I'm being charged with a crime? Is that what this is? I'm being charged with a crime? This is funny. That's what this is. This is.

[turning to Kaffee and lunging at him]

Col. Jessup: . I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss into your dead skull! You fucked with the wrong Marine!

Capt. Ross: Colonel Jessup! Do you understand these rights as I have just read them to you?

Col. Jessup: [contemptuously] You fuckin' people. you have no idea how to defend a nation. All you did was weaken a country today, Kaffee. That's all you did. You put people's lives in danger. Sweet dreams, son.

Kaffee: Don't call me son. I'm a lawyer, and an officer in the United States Navy, and you're under arrest you son of a bitch.

[glares at Jessup]

Lt. Kendrick: Lance Corporal Dawson was given a below average rating because he had committed a crime.

Kaffee: A crime? What crime did he commit? Lieutenant Kendrick, Dawson brought a hungry guy some food. What crime did he commit?

Kaffee: And because he did, because he exercised his own set of values, because he made a decision about the welfare of a Marine that was in conflict with an order of yours, he was punished. Is that right?

Lt. Kendrick: Lance Corporal Dawson disobeyed an order!

Kaffee: Yeah, but it wasn't a real order, was it? After all, it's peace time. He wasn't being asked to secure a hill or advance on a beachhead. I mean, surely a Marine of Dawson's intelligence can be trusted to determine on his own which are the really important orders and which orders might, say, be morally questionable? Lieutenant Kendrick, can he? Can Dawson determine on his own which orders he's going to follow?

Kaffee: A lesson he learned after the Curtis Bell incident, am I right?

Kaffee: You know so, don't you, Lieutenant?

Kaffee: Lieutenant Kendrick, one final question. If you had ordered Dawson to give Santiago a code red.

Lt. Kendrick: I specifically ordered those men not to touch Santiago!

Kaffee: Is it reasonable to think he would've disobeyed you again?

Capt. Ross: Lieutenant Kendrick, did you order Lance Corporal Dawson and Private Downey to give Willie Santiago a code red?

[Kendrick initially refuses to answer, sensing he's been caught lying]

Capt. Ross: [hands him the book] Good. Would you turn to the chapter that deals with code reds, please?

Capt. Ross: Just flip to the page of the book that discusses code reds.

Cpl. Barnes: Well, well, you see, sir code red is a term that we use. I mean, just down at Gitmo. I don't know if it's actually.

Capt. Ross: Ah, we're in luck then. Standard Operating Procedures, Rifle Security Company, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Now, I assume we'll find the term code red and its definition in that book. Am I correct?

Capt. Ross: No? Corporal Barnes, I'm a Marine. Is there no book, no manual or pamphlet, no set of orders or regulations that lets me know that, as a Marine, one of my duties is to perform code reds?

[as Ross walks back to his table Kaffee takes the book out of his hand]

Kaffee: Corporal, would you turn to the page in this book that says where the mess hall is, please?

Cpl. Barnes: Well, Lt. Kaffee, that's not in the book, sir.

Kaffee: You mean to say in all your time at Gitmo, you've never had a meal?

Kaffee: I don't understand. How did you know where the mess hall was if it's not in this book?

Cpl. Barnes: Well, I guess I just followed the crowd at chow time, sir.

Capt. Ross: [to his friends] I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

Galloway: How long have you known about the order?

Capt. Ross: [walking away from the basketball court] I didn't. Who's this?

Kaffee: She's Joe Galloway. She's Downey's attorney. She's very pleased to meet you.

Capt. Ross: [talking privately] What exactly are you accusing me of, Commander?

Galloway: How long have you known about the order?

Kaffee: Jack didn't know about the order because if Jack did and he didn't tell us Jack knows he'd be violating about 14 articles of the Code of Ethics. As it is, Jack's got enough to worry about because, God forbid, our clients should decide to plead not guilty and testify for the record that they were given an order.

Capt. Ross: Kendrick specifically told those men not to touch Santiago.

Kaffee: That's right and then he went into Dawson and Downey's room and specifically ordered them to give Santiago a code red.

Capt. Ross: And I have 23 Marines who aren't accused of murder and a Lieutenant with 4 letters of commendation.

Kaffee: Why did Markinson go UA?

Kaffee: You think I can't subpoena Markinson?

Capt. Ross: You can try but you won't find him. You know what Markinson did for the first 17 of his 26 years in the Corps? Counter intelligence. Markinson's gone, there is no Markinson. Look, Danny, Jessup's star is on the rise. Division will give me a lot of room on this one to spare Jessup and the Corps any embarrassment.

Capt. Ross: I'll knock it all down to involuntary manslaughter, two years they'll be home in six months.

Capt. Ross: Because you'll lose and Danny knows it. And Danny also knows that if it does go to court then that means I'm going to have to go all the way. His clients are going to get charged with the whole truckload. Murder. Conspiracy. Conduct Unbecoming. And even though he's got me by the balls out here Danny knows that in a court room he loses this case. You see, Danny's an awfully talented lawyer and he's not about to let his clients go to jail for life when he knows that they could be home in six months. That's the end of this negotiation. I'll see you tomorrow morning at the arraignment.

Galloway: I say we hit Jessup with the phony transfer order.

Lt. Weinberg: A transfer order without a witness.

Kaffee: And in the hands of a lesser attorney that'd be a problem.

Lt. Weinberg: Look at this, last night he's swimming in Jack Daniels and now he can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Kaffee: I'm getting my second wind. Sit down, both of you.

[Sees that they are already sitting]

Kaffee: Good. Jessup told Kendrick to order the code red, Kendrick did and our clients followed the order. The cover-up isn't our case - to win Jessup needs to tell the court members that he ordered the code red.

Lt. Weinberg: And now you think you can get him to just say it?

Kaffee: I think he wants to say it. I think he's pissed off that he's gotta hide from this. I think he wants to say that he made a command decision and that's the end of it.

[Starts imitating Jessup]

Kaffee: He eats breakfast 300 yards away from 4000 Cubans that are trained to kill him. And nobody's going to tell him how to run his unit least of all the Harvard mouth in his faggoty white uniform. I need to shake him, put him on the defensive and lead him right where he's dying to go.

Lt. Weinberg: And how are you going to that?

Kaffee: I have no idea. I need my bat.

Kaffee: I need my bat. I think better with my bat. Where's my bat?

Kaffee: You put it in the closet?

Kaffee: Don't ever put that bat in the closet.

Downey: A code red was ordered by my platoon commander, Lieutenant Jonathan James Kendrick.

Capt. Ross: Private, the week of 2 September. the switch log has you down at Post 39 until 1600. Is that correct?

Downey: I'm sure it is, sir. They keep that log pretty good.

Capt. Ross: How far is it from Post 39 to the Windward Barracks?

Downey: About ten, fifteen minutes, sir.

Downey: Yes, sir. That day, sir. Friday. The pick up private - Tthat's like what we call the guy who drops us off at our post and picks us up. also 'cause he can get girls in New York City. The pickup private got a flat, sir, right at 39. He pulled up and, bam, blowout with no spare. So we had to double-time it back to the barracks.

Capt. Ross: And if it's about ten or fifteen minutes by Jeep, I'm guessing. it must be a good hour by foot, am I right?

Downey: Pickup and me did it in forty-five flat, sir.

Capt. Ross: Not bad. Now, you've said that your assault on Private Santiago was the result of an order that Lieutenant Kendrick gave you in your barracks room at. 1620, am I right?

Capt. Ross: But you just said that you didn't make it back to the Windward barracks until 1645.

Capt. Ross: Well, if you didn't make it back to the barracks room until 1645, how could you be in your room at 1620?

Downey: [nervously] Well, you see, sir, there was a blow out.

Capt. Ross: Private, did you ever actually hear Lieutenant Kendrick order a code red?

Galloway: [stands up from the defense table] Please the court, I'd like to request a recess in order to confer with my client.

Kaffee: She was pointing at a mailbox, Sam.

Lt. Weinberg: That's right. She was pointing as if to say, "Pa, look, a mailbox."

Kaffee: Having any luck in getting me replaced?

Galloway: Is there anyone in this command that you don't eat or drink or play softball with?

Galloway: Listen, I came to make peace. We got off on the wrong foot. What do you say? Friends?

Galloway: By the way, I brought Downey some comic books he was asking for. The kid, Kaffee, I swear, he doesn't know where he is. He doesn't even know why he's been arrested.

Kaffee: If you speak to a client of mine again without my permission, I'll have you disbarred. Friends?

Galloway: Downey's closest living relative, Ginny Miller, his aunt on his mother's side.

Kaffee: You got authorization from Aunt Ginny?

Galloway: I gave her a call like you asked. Very nice woman we spoke for about an hour.

Kaffee: [before getting into his car] You got authorization from Aunt Ginny.

Galloway: Perfectly within my province.

Kaffee: Does Aunt Ginny have a barn? We can hold the trial there. I can sew the costumes. Maybe his Uncle Goober can be the judge.

Galloway: I'm going to Cuba with you tomorrow.

Kaffee: [before driving off] And the hits just keep on coming.

Lt. Weinberg: Cmdr. Galloway, Lt. Kaffee is considered to be the best litigator in our office. He successfully plea bargained 44 cases in 9 months.

Kaffee: One more and I get a set of steak knives.

Galloway: [in an empty hallway after work hours] You know nothing about the law. You're a used-car salesman, Daniel. You're an ambulance chaser with a rank. You're nothing. Live with that.

Kaffee: No, no, I was just watching a ball game. Come on in.

Galloway: I was wondering if. how'd you would feel about my taking you to dinner tonight.

Kaffee: Are you asking me out on a date?

Kaffee: It sounded like you were asking me out on a date.

Kaffee: I've been asked out on dates before, and that's what it sounded like.

Galloway: Do you like seafood? I know a good seafood place.

Kaffee: Wow. I'm sexually aroused, Commander.

Kaffee: He passed away seven years ago, sir.

Col. Jessup: Don't I feel like the fucking asshole?

Barnes: Yes, sir. To get to the other side of the bay.

Kaffee: Nobody said anything about a boat.

Kaffee: No, no problem. I'm just not that crazy about boats, that's all.

Galloway: Jesus Christ, Kaffee, you're in the Navy for crying out loud.

Kaffee: Nobody likes her very much.

Kaffee: Yeah, and I'll take it. I guess, you know, I'll take it.

Kaffee: It took about forty-five seconds. He barely put up a fight.

Lt. Weinberg: Danny, take the twelve years. It's a gift.

Kaffee: You don't believe their story, do you? You think they ought to go to jail for the rest of their lives.

Lt. Weinberg: I believe every word of their story and I think they ought to go to jail for the rest of their lives.

Kaffee: [walking to his car] See you tomorrow.

Lt. Weinberg: Don't forget to wear the whites. Very hot down there.

Lt. Weinberg: Nobody likes the whites, but we're going to Cuba. You got Dramamine?

Kaffee: Dramamine keeps you cool?

Lt. Weinberg: No, Dramamine keeps you from throwing up. You get sick when you fly.

Kaffee: I get sick when I fly because I'm afraid of crashing into a large mountain. I don't think Dramamine'll help.

Lt. Weinberg: I got some oregano I hear that works pretty good.

Kaffee: You know, Ross said the strangest thing to me right before I left. He said that the platoon commander, Lieutenant Jonathan Kendrick, had a meeting with the men and specifically told them not to touch Santiago.

Kaffee: I never mentioned Kendrick. I don't even know who he is. Nah, what the hell. I'll see you tomorrow.

Capt. Ross: Let's hope for Dawson and Downey's sake that you practice law better than you play softball.

Kaffee: Unfortunately for Dawson and Downey, I don't do anything better than I play softball. I'm out of here, Janelle!

Kaffee: See you when I get back from Cuba.

Janelle: [playfully, sarcastically] Say hi to Castro for me.

Kaffee: Will do. What are we looking at?

Capt. Ross: They plead guilty, we drop the conspiracy and the conduct unbecoming. Twenty years, they're home in half that time.

Kaffee: They called the ambulance, Jack.

Capt. Ross: Look, I don't care if they called the Avon lady. They killed a Marine.

Kaffee: Rag was tested for poison. The autopsy, the lab reports, all say the same thing, maybe, maybe not.

Capt. Ross: The Chief of Internal Medicine for the Guantanamo Bay Naval Hospital says he's sure.

Kaffee: What do you know about code reds?

Capt. Ross: Look, I'm going to give you the twelve years. Before you get yourself into any trouble tomorrow, I think you should know that the platoon commander, Lieutenant Jonathan Kendrick, held a meeting with the men and specifically told them not to touch Santiago.

Kaffee: We still playing hoops tomorrow night?

Kaffee: I'll talk to you when I get back.

Kaffee: [jokingly] Maybe you should drink a little.

Kaffee: [sarcastically, refering to Jessup in his apartment] Oh, we get it from him! Yes! No problem! We get it from him.

[turns to Sam as if he were Jessup on the stand]

Kaffee: Colonel Jessup, isn't it true that you ordered the Code Red on Santiago?

Kaffee: [interrupts with game-show buzzer sound] eeehhhhh! I'm sorry, your time's run out! What do we have for the losers, judge? Well, for our defendants, it's a life time at exotic Fort Leavenworth! And, for defense counsel Kaffee, that's right, it's a court martial! Yes, Johnny! After falsely accusing a highly decorated Marine officer of conspiracy and perjury, Lieutenant Kaffee will have a long and prosperous career teaching. typewriter maintenance at the Rocco Globbo School for Women! Thank you for playing "Should we or should we not follow the advice of the galactically stupid!"

Kaffee: Have I done something to offend you?

Lt. Kendrick: No, I like all you Navy boys. Every time we've gotta go someplace to fight, you fellas always give us a ride.

Capt. Whitaker: That's alright, Danny, I know you don't have a good excuse, so I won't force you to come up with a bad one.

Capt. Whitaker: The first one's for you. Seems you're moving up in the world, you've been requested by Division.

Capt. Whitaker: Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. A Marine corporal named Dawson illegally fires a round of his weapon over the fence line and into Cuban territory.

Lt. Weinberg: A big wall separating the good guys from the bad guys.

Capt. Whitaker: PFC William Santiago threatens to rat on Dawson to the Naval Investigative Service. Dawson, and another member of his squad PFC Louden Downey, go into Santiago's barracks room, tie him up, stuff a rag down his throat. An hour later Santiago's dead. The attending physician says the rag was treated with some kind of toxin.

Capt. Whitaker: Not much. They're being flown up here tomorrow. Then Wednesday at 0600 you're catching a transport down to Cuba for the day to find out what you can. In the meantime, go see Lieutenant Commander Joanne Galloway of internal affairs. Any questions?

Kaffee: That flight to Cuba, was that 0600 in the morning? Sir?

Capt. Whitaker: It seems important to Division that this one be handled by the book so I'm assigning co-counsel. Any volunteers?

Lt. Weinberg: Sir, I've got a stack of papers on my desk about a mile high.

Lt. Weinberg: Doing what? Kaffee will have this done in about four days.

Capt. Whitaker: Doing various administrative things. Backup. Whatever.

Lt. Weinberg: In other words I have no responsibilities whatsoever.

Barnes: Yes sir, we'll be riding pretty close to the fence line. The Cubans see an officer wearing white, they think it might be someone they'd wanna take a shot at.

Kaffee: You don't even *know* me. Ordinarily it takes someone *hours* to discover I'm not fit to handle a defense.

Dawson: [pounds his fist on the table] DO YOU THINK WE WERE RIGHT?

Dawson: You're such a coward, I can't believe they let you wear a uniform.

[Dawson stands up and shoves his hands in his pockets]

Kaffee: To train him to do what?

Dawson: To train him to think of the unit before himself. To respect the code.

Dawson: [speaking slower] Unit. Corps. God. Country. Sir.

Kaffee: The government of the United States wants to charge you two with murder. And you want me to go to the prosecutor with unit, corps, God, country?

Kaffee: [while packing up their belongings] We'll be back. You guys need anything? Books, papers, cigarettes, ham sandwich?

Kaffee: Harold, I think there's a concept that you'd better start warming up to.

Kaffee: I'm sorry, I was expecting someone older.

Kaffee: Going on nine months now.

Galloway: And how long have you been out of law school?

Kaffee: Have I done something wrong?

Galloway: No, it's just that when I petitioned division to have counsel assigned, I was hoping that I'd be taken seriously.

Kaffee: [sarcastically] No offense taken, in case you were wondering.

Galloway: You're the attorney division assigned?

Kaffee: I'm lead counsel, and this is Sam Weinberg.

Lt. Weinberg: I have no responsibilities here whatsoever.

Dawson: [contemptuously] Yes sir, I know you do, sir.

Capt. Ross: I'll see you around campus. I gotta go arrest Kendrick.

Kaffee: You certainly don't need to do it twice in one sentence.

Galloway: [pauses] Because I want you to think that I'm a good lawyer.

Galloway: no you don't, I think you're an exceptional lawyer, I see the court members and they respond to to you.

Galloway: My job is to make sure that you do your job. I'm Special Counsel for Internal Affairs, so jurisdiction's pretty much in your face.

Kaffee: There wasn't a flight that left seven hours earlier and landed at Andrews Air Force Base at 2 a.m.?

Judge Randolph: Lieutenant, I think we've covered this, haven't we?

Kaffee: [hands him the log books] Your Honor, these are the tower chief's logs for both Guantanamo Bay and Andrews Air Force Base. The Guantanamo log lists no flight leaving at 11 pm and the Andrews log lists no flight arriving at 2 am. I'd like to submit these as defense exhibits Alpha and Bravo.

Judge Randolph: I don't understand. You're submitting evidence of a flight that never existed.

Kaffee: [cutting him off, loudly annoyed] SPEAK! Jesus!

Kaffee: And when it went bad, you cut these guys *loose!*

Kaffee: You doctored the log book.

Kaffee: Colonel Jessup, did you order the Code Red?

Judge Randolph: You don't have to answer that question!

Col. Jessup: Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know; that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, *saves lives*. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a *damn* what you think you are entitled to!

Kaffee: Did you order the code red?

Kaffee: [interupts him] *Did you order the Code Red?*

Kaffee: Have you ever ordered a code red?

Kaffee: Lieutenant, did you order Dawson and two other men to make sure that Private Bell receive no food or drink except water for a period of seven days?

Lt. Kendrick: That is a distortion of the truth, Lieutenant. Private Bell was placed on barracks restriction. He was given water and vitamin supplements, and I can assure you that at no time was his health in danger.

Kaffee: [sarcastic] I'm sure it was lovely for Private Bell. But you did order the barracks restriction, didn't you? You did order the denial of food.

Kaffee: Wouldn't this form of discipline be considered a code red?

Kaffee: If I called the other 478 Marines from Guantanamo Bay to testify, would they consider it a code red?

Capt. Ross: If it please the court, the witness can't possibly testify as to what 478 other men would say. Now, we object to this entire line of questioning as argumentative and irrelevant badgering of the witness.

Judge Randolph: The government's objection is sustained, Lieutenant Kaffee, and I would remind you that you are now questioning a Marine officer with an impeccable service record.

Kaffee: Unless I'm mistaken, they were both going to testify under oath that they had absolutely no recollection of anything.

Kaffee: [jokingly] And handsome too, didn't you think?

Kaffee: You don't need to wear a patch on your arm to have honor.

Kaffee: I know what you're going to say - You don't have to. We've had our differences. I said some things I didn't mean; you said some things you didn't mean, but you're happy I stuck with the case. And if you've gained a certain respect for me over the last three weeks. well, of course, I'm happy about that. But we don't have to make a whole big deal outta that - you like me? I won't make you say it.

Galloway: I was just going to tell you to wear matching socks tomorrow.

Lt. Weinberg: Yeah, she said that if Markinson doesn't want to be found, we're not gonna find him. She said I could be Markinson and you wouldn't know it.

Lt. Weinberg: I'm just wondering, now that Joanne's in on this, you know, I was just wondering if you still needed me.

Kaffee: They were following orders, Sam.

Kaffee: You think Dawson and Downey knew it was an illegal order?

Lt. Weinberg: It doesn't matter what they knew. Any decent human being would have refused.

Kaffee: They're not permitted to question orders.

Lt. Weinberg: Then what's the secret? Huh, what are the magic words? I give orders every day nobody follows them.

Kaffee: Sam, we have softball games and marching bands. They work at a place where you have to wear camouflage or they might get shot! I need you. You're better at research than I am and you know how to prepare a witness.

Galloway: [Galloway arrives] I have medical reports and Chinese food. I say we eat first.

[pause, Weinberg is pondering, remains silent]

Kaffee: [pointing to their chalkboard with his baseball bat] Alright, here's our defense. Intent, no one can prove there was poison on the rag. Code reds, they're common and accepted in Guantanimo Bay. The order, A, Kendrick gave it, B they had no choice but to follow it. That's it.

Kaffee: We're a little weak on motive they had one.

Galloway: Just because a person's got a motive doesn't mean they're guilty.

Kaffee: Relax, we'll deal with the fence line shooting when it comes up. For now, let's start with intent. I don't know what made Santiago die, I don't want to know. I just want to show that it could have been something other than poison. Joe, talk to doctors find out everything there is to know about lactic acidosis. Sam, find out who else was in the emergency room that night.

Col. Jessup: Ever served in a forward area?

Col. Jessup: Ever put your life in another man's hands, ask him to put his life in yours?

Col. Jessup: We follow orders, son. We follow orders or people die. It's that simple. Are we clear?

Kaffee: Gotcha, and Santiago is, who?

Kaffee: [sarcastically, to Sam] Write that down.

Luther: Another day, another dollar, captain.

Kaffee: You gotta play them as they lay.

Luther: What goes around comes around.

Luther: At least I got my health.

Kaffee: [hands him money before leaving] Well, then you got everything. See you tomorrow, Luther.

Col. Jessup: What the hell is this? Colonel, what's going on? I did my job. I'd do it again. I'm gonna get on a plane and go on back to my base.

Judge Randolph: You're not going anywhere, Colonel. MP's, guard the Colonel.

[MP's take to the post. And Col. Jessup find out what's going on]

Capt. Ross: Colonel Jessup, you have the right to remain silent; Any statement you make may be used against you in a trial by court-martial or in other judicial or administrative proceedings. You have the right to consult with a lawyer prior any further questions. This lawyer may be a civilian lawyer retained by you at your own expense.

Col. Jessup: I'm being charged with a crime? Is that what this is? I'm being charged with a crime? This is funny. That's what this is.

[Turning to Kaffee and lunging at him. But the MP's restrain Colonel Jessup]

Col. Jessup: . I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and puke into your dead skull, you messed with the wrong marine!

Capt. Ross: Colonel Jessup, do you understand these rights as I have just read them to you?

Capt. Ross: You friggin' people. You have no idea how to defend the nation. All you did was weaken a country today, Kaffee. That's all you did. You put people's lives in danger. Sweet dreams, son,

Kaffee: Don't call me son. I'm a lawyer, and an officer in the United States Navy, and you're under arrest, you son of a bitch.

[Glares at Jessup]

[Colonel Jessup calms down, taking a deep breath to cool off, bend down and grab his hat on the floor, and MP's taken Colonel Jessup away into custody]

Kaffee: [jokingly, in his apartment] What a relief. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to use the liar-liar-pants-on-fire defense.

Kaffee: I'll bet he is, I'll bet he bores the shit out of the neighbors and relatives, "Sam's made Law Review, his working on a big case right now, his arguing, his making an argument

Lt. Weinberg: I ever tell you I wrote a paper about your father in college?

Lt. Weinberg: One of the best trial lawyers ever

Lt. Weinberg: If I were Dawson and Downey and if I had to choose between you or your father to represent me in this case I'd choose you any day of the week and twice on Sunday, you should've seen yourself thunder away at Kendrick

Kaffee: Would you put Jessup on the stand?

Kaffee: You think my father would?

Lt. Weinberg: With the evidence we got, not in a million years, see here's the thing and there's no way of getting around this, neither Lionel Kaffee nor Sam Weinberg in lead counsel for the defense on the matter of the U.S. versus Dawson and Downey would you put Colonel Nathan Jessup on the stand, so there's only one question, " what would you do?"

Kaffee: I feel Jessup is going to have his hands full today

Galloway: Listen, when you're up there today if you feel like it's not going to happen if you feel like his not going to say it don't go for it you could get in trouble I'm special counsel for internal affairs and I'm telling you, you can get in a lot of trouble

Kaffee: You're not suggesting I back off from the material witness?

Lt. Weinberg: Just make a motion tomorrow morning at the arraignment the judge will ask if you want to enter a plea and you tell him you want new counsel assigned.

Galloway: [as Danny leaves Sam's office] One thing though: When you ask the judge for new counsel, be sure to ask "nicely"

Kaffee: [in the hallway] What do you want from me?

Galloway: Why are so afraid to be a lawyer? Were daddy's expectations really that high?

Kaffee: Dawson and Downey will have their day in court, they'll just have it with another lawyer

Galloway: Another lawyer won't be good enough, they need you, you know how to win. You know they have a case and you know how to win. If you walk away from this now, you've sealed their fate.

Kaffee: Their fate was sealed the minute Santiago died.

Dawson: A code red is a disciplinary engagement

Dawson: A marine falls out of line then it's up to his unit to get him back on track.

Kaffee: You say "sir" and I turn around to look for my father, People call me "Danny", people called my father Daniel Kaffee, "garden variety", "basic", what's a basic code red?

Dawson: A marine refuses to obey the orders he's given on a regular basis.

Kaffee: We're a little weak on motive, they had one.

Galloway: Just because someone has a motive, it doesn't mean their guilty.

Kaffee: Relax, we'll deal with the fence line shooting when it comes up for now we'll start with intent, I don't know what made Santiago die. I don't want to know I just want to be able to show it could've been something other than poison, Joe talk to doctors, find out everything there is on Lactic Acidosis.

Kaffee: I think you should prepare for the fact that we're going to lose. Ross's opening statement was all true let's pretend for a minute that it actually mattered to the court that these guys were given an order. I can't prove it ever happened we'll keep doing what we're doing and we'll put on a show but at the end of the day all we have is the testimonies of two people accused of murder

Kaffee: We're going to lose, and we're going to lose huge

Kaffee: [after Dawson and Downey remain silent for several minutes, sarcastically] wow Kaffee you're the greatest lawyer in the world, how can we ever thank you, fellas did you hear what I just said? You're going home in six months.

Kaffee: what are you talking about?

Dawson: we did our job and if that has consequences then I'll accept them, but I won't say that I'm guilty sir.

Kaffee: Let me ask you, is it possible for a person to have an affliction, some sort of condition which might, in the case of this person, actually speed up the process dramatically?

Kaffee: Commander, is it possible?

Kaffee: What might some of those conditions be?

Dr. Stone: If a person had a coronary disorder or a cerebral disorder, the process would be more rapid.

Kaffee: Commander, if I had a coronary condition and a perfectly clean rag was placed in my mouth, and the rag was accidentally pushed too far down, is it possible that my cells would continue burning sugar after the rag was taken out?

Dr. Stone: It would have to be a very serious condition.

Kaffee: Is it possible to have a serious coronary condition, where the initial warning signals were so mild as to escape a physician during a routine medical exam?

Dr. Stone: Possibly. There would still be symptoms, though.

Dr. Stone: There are hundreds of symptoms of a.

Kaffee: [Galloway hands Kaffee a medical report for evidence; Kaffee presents it to Stone] Doctor, is this your signature?

Kaffee: This is an order for Private Santiago to be put on restricted duty. Would you read your handwritten remarks at the bottom of the page, please, sir?

Dr. Stone: "Initial testing negative. Patient complains of chest pains, shortness of breath, and fatigue. Restricted from running distances over five miles for one week."

Kaffee: Commander, isn't it possible that Santiago had a serious coronary condition, and it was that condition, and not some mysterious poison, that caused the accelerated chemical reaction?

Kaffee: [Dawson after he was silent for a few minutes and gave him a sharp angry look] forget I asked, it doesn't matter

Kaffee: you know Downey worships you, he's going to do whatever you do, are you really let this happen to him because of a code?

Lt. Weinberg: [to Danny] for every American century post there's a Cuban counterpart, they're called "mirrors. "Lance Corporal is claiming his mirror was about to fire at him

Kaffee: Santiago's letter to the NIS said you fired illegally, he's saying that guy, the "mirror," he never made a move.

Lt. Weinberg: And you the court members thinking we're afraid of the doctor, you object once so they can hear us say his not a criminologist, you keep after the way you did suddenly our great cross looks like a bunch of fancy lawyer tricks, there's a difference between paper law and trial law, Christ, you even had the judge say Stone was an expert

Kaffee: [to Sam] she made a mistake let's not relive it

Lt. Weinberg: I'm going to call my wife, I'll see you tonight.

Dawson: because he broke the chain of command sir

Kaffee: he went outside of his unit sir, if he had a problem, he should've spoken to me sir.

Galloway: It was a set back and I'm sorry but we fix it and move on to Markinson.

Kaffee: [sitting on the couch] Markinson's dead, really got ahead of those federal Marshalls, boy it's not like he hung himself with his shoelaces or slashed his wrists with a concealed butter knife this guy got into full dress uniform, stood in the middle of that room, drew nickel plated pistol from his holster and fired a bullet into his mouth.

Galloway: We go to Randolph in the morning and make a motion for a continuance for twenty four hours.

Kaffee: Why would we possibly want to do that?

Galloway: To subpoena colonel Jessup.

Kaffee: No, I won't listen and I won't hear you out your passion is compelling it's also useless. Louden Downey needed a trial lawyer today.

Galloway: You chicken shit, you're going to use what happened today as an excuse to give up.

Galloway: Why did you ask Jessup for the transfer order?

Galloway: In Cuba, why did you ask Jessup for the transfer order?

Kaffee: What does it matter? I wanted the damn transfer order

Galloway: Bullshit, you could've got the transfer order by calling any one of the dozen departments at the Pentagon you, didn't want the transfer order, you wanted to see his reaction when you asked for the transfer order, you had an instinct and it was confirmed by Markinson so damn it lets put Jessup on the stand and end this thing.

Kaffee: I once had my driver's license suspended.

Lt. Weinberg: [implying to him that he should answer her questions respectfully] Danny.

Dawson: [Dawson and Downey remain silent]

Galloway: I want you to speak freely

Dawson: Ma'am that's correct, then he dismissed the platoon then we all went to our rooms.

Dawson: Lieutenant Kendrick came to our room Ma'am

Dawson: About five after the meeting broke sir, about 1620.

Dawson: Lieutenant Kendrick ordered us to give Santiago a code red.

Kaffee: [interrupts him] Oh well, zip a dee doo dah you and your code, plea not guilty, you will be in jail for the rest of your life.

Kaffee: [after Dawson remains silent for a few minutes, pleading with him] I'm telling you you'll be home in six months, do it, six months, it's nothing, it's a hockey season.

Capt. Ross: Please the court, is there a question anywhere in our future?

Capt. Ross: would you tell the court the substance of that meeting?

Cpl. Carl Hammaker: Lieutenant Kendrick told us we had a informer in our group, that Private Santiago had gone outside the chain of command and reported to the NIS a member of our platoon

Capt. Ross: you can tell the truth Corporal, it's alright, did that make you mad?

Cpl. Carl Hammaker: Private Santiago betrayed a code we believe in very deeply sir

Capt. Ross: were the other members of the squad angry?

Kaffee: please the court, is the government counsel honestly asking this witness to testify to as to how my clients felt on September sixth?

Capt. Ross: Corporal, did Lieutenant Kendrick leave a standing order at that meeting?

Cpl. Carl Hammaker: well it was clear that he didn't want us taking matters in our own hands

Kaffee: were you in Dawson and Downey's room five minutes after this meeting?

Kaffee: thanks, I have no more questions.

Cpl. Barnes: [while on the witness stand] being late for platoon or company meetings, keeping his barracks in disorder, falling back on a run.

Kaffee: have you ever received a code red?

Cpl. Barnes: yes sir, we were doing seven man assault drills and my weapon slipped. It was just so it was over a hundred degrees and my palms were sweaty and I forgot to use the resin like we were taught

Cpl. Barnes: that night the guys in my squad threw a blanket over me, took turns punching me in the arm for five minutes, then they poured glue in my hands and it worked too because I ain't dropped my weapon since

Kaffee: was Private Santiago late for platoon meetings?

Kaffee: were his barracks ever in disorder?

Kaffee: did he ever fall back on a run?

Kaffee: did "ever" prior to the night of September sixth ever receive a code red?

Kaffee: you got a code red because your palms are sweaty

Kaffee: why didn't Santiago, this burden to his unit, ever get one?

Kaffee: [looking at the jury] Dawson wouldn't allow it

Cpl. Barnes: the guys talked tough about Santiago but they wouldn't go near him, they were too afraid of Dawson sir

Capt. Ross: object, the witness is speculating

Kaffee: I'll rephrase, Jeffery did you ever want to give Santiago a code red?

Dawson: sir PFC Downey will answer direct questions you ask him

Kaffee: swell, private Downey, the rag you stuffed in Santiago's mouth, was there poison on it?

Kaffee: silver polish, Turpentine Anti-Freeze?

Downey: no sir, we were just going to shave his head sir

Downey: we saw blood dripping down his mouth, and we pulled the tape off, and there was blood down his face sir. That's when Lance Corporal Dawson called the ambulance

Kaffee: [to Dawson] did anyone see you call the ambulance?

Kaffee: were you there when the ambulance arrived?

Dawson: yes sir, that's when we were taken under arrest.

Lt. Weinberg: [before Danny grabs the log book and looks in it] I got the tower chief's log from that night, Jessup's telling the truth. 6am flight was the first one out

Kaffee: [before entering Markinson's motel room] oh yeah

Lt. Col. Matthew Andrew Markinson: [as he sits down to look inside the log book] first flight stateside left Guantanamo Bay at twenty three hundred, it arrived at Andrews Air Force base in Maryland a few minutes past two

Kaffee: then why isn't it listed in the tower's chief log?

Kaffee: what're telling me? He fixed the log book?

Kaffee: maybe he can make it that one didn't take off but I can sure as hell prove one landed. I'm going to get the log book from Andrews

Lt. Col. Matthew Andrew Markinson: you're not going to find anything in the Andrews log book either

Kaffee: he can make an entire flight disappear?

Lt. Col. Matthew Andrew Markinson: Nathan Jessup was about to be appointed Director of Operations for the National Security Council. You don't get to that position without knowing how to "sidestep a few landmines"

Kaffee: his not going to be able to "sidestep" you

Kaffee: [pointing the log book at Markinson, before leaving his motel room] Thursday morning ten o'clock

Lt. Weinberg: this isn't the TWA. There wasn't a regular flight schedule, do you have any idea how many planes take off and land every day? A kid from the ground crew isn't going to remember if a flight that landed four weeks ago.

Galloway: [interrupts him] well, how do you know though? if you don't check.

Kaffee: [interrupts Joanne] forget the flight

Kaffee: [to Sam and Joanne] forget the flight. We'll put Markinson on the stand and we'll deal with Jessup's refusal to transfer Santiago and he'll testify to the forged transfer order and that'll be enough: that and Downey's testimony really ought to be enough

Kaffee: because you have wisdom beyond your years

Kaffee: [as they shake hands, introduces Sam, and Jo] thank you sir, I'm Daniel Kaffee. I'm the attorney for Dawson and Downey.

Kaffee: [gestures to Jo] This Lieutenant Commander JoAnne Galloway.

Col. Jessup: [as they shake hands] pleasure meeting you Commander.

Kaffee: [to Jessup, gestures to Sam] Lieutenant Sam Weinberg, he'll be assisting

Col. Jessup: [gestures to Markinson and Kendrick] this is my XO Colonel Markinson and platoon leader Lieutenant Kendrick, I've asked them to join us, sit down, please

Kaffee: [as they shake hands] Colonel Markinson

Lt. Col. Matthew Andrew Markinson: I had the pleasure of meeting your father once. I was a teenager, he spoke at my high school

Col. Jessup: [to Kendrick] well what'd you know? This man's dad once made a lot of enemies in your neck of the woods. Jefferson versus Madison County School District. Folks down there said a little black girl couldn't go to an all white school. Lionel Kaffee said "well, we'll just see about that."

Kaffee: [while looking in his briefcase] not much sir, this is really more of a formality than anything else. The JAG Corps insists we interview all the relevant witnesses

Galloway: [hands Danny a pen] The JAG Corps can be demanding that way

Col. Jessup: [motions to Kendrick] John will take you out to show you what you want to see. After that we can all hook up for lunch, how does that sound?

Lt. Kendrick: [while driving Danny, Sam and Joanne to Santiago's living quarters] yes, I did

Lt. Kendrick: I told the men that we had an informer among us and despite any desire they might had to seek retribution, Private Santiago wasn't to be harmed in any way.

Kaffee: what time was that meeting?

Lt. Weinberg: [to Danny before showing him four fingers] it's four o'clock

Judge Randolph: does the defense wish to enter a plea?

Kaffee: [while standing up] yeah, they're not guilty

Judge Randolph: enter a plea of not guilty for the accused, we will adjourn until ten hundred, three weeks from today, at which this general court martial will reconvene

Capt. Ross: would you state your full name and occupation for the record?

Robert C. McGuire: [on the witness stand] Robert C. Maguire special agent, Naval Investigative Service

Capt. Ross: thank you, Mr. Maguire did your office receive a letter from a PFC William Santiago on three September on this year?

Robert C. McGuire: that a member of Private Santiago's unit had illegally fired his weapon over the fence line

Capt. Ross: was that Marine identified in the letter?

Robert C. McGuire: no, I notified the barracks CO Colonel Jessup that I would be coming down to investigate

Robert C. McGuire: the shift only reported one Marine returned his weapon with a round of ammunition missing

Kaffee: Mr. Maguire did you question Lance Corporal Dawson about the fence line shooting?

Robert C. McGuire: yes, he "claims" to have been engaged by some manner by the enemy

Kaffee: [interrupts him] Lance Corporal Dawson's been charged with a number of crimes, why wasn't he charged with firing at the enemy without cause?

Robert C. McGuire: there wasn't enough evidence to support such a charge.

Capt. Ross: Mr. Maguire, I don't understand what you mean when you say, "there wasn't enough evidence to support such a charge," you had William Santiago's letter

Robert C. McGuire: Santiago was the only eyewitness. I never had the chance to interview him so I don't know what he saw

Capt. Ross: have a seat please sir, would you state your full name and occupation for the record?

Robert C. McGuire: Robert C. Maguire special agent, Naval Investigative Service

Capt. Ross: thank you, Mr. Maguire did your office receive a letter from a PFC William Santiago on three September on this year?

Robert C. McGuire: that a member of Private Santiago's unit had illegally fired his weapon over the fence line

Capt. Ross: was that Marine identified in the letter?

Robert C. McGuire: no, I notified the barracks CO Colonel Jessup that I would be coming down to investigate

Robert C. McGuire: the shift only reported one Marine returned his weapon with a round of ammunition missing

Kaffee: Mr. Maguire did you question Lance Corporal Dawson about the fence line shooting?

Robert C. McGuire: yes, he "claims" to have been engaged in some manner by the enemy

Kaffee: [interrupts him] Lance Corporal Dawson's been charged with a number of crimes, why wasn't he charged with firing at the enemy without cause?

Robert C. McGuire: there wasn't enough evidence to support such a charge.

Capt. Ross: Mr. Maguire, I don't understand what you mean when you say, "there wasn't enough evidence to support such a charge," you had William Santiago's letter.

Robert C. McGuire: Santiago was the only eyewitness. I never had the chance to interview him so I don't know what he saw.

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понедельник, 22 января 2018 г.

kaffee_comic

Kaffee comic

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Kaffee mit Milch #1

'tis but a barren wasteland

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Harald Juch

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Daniel Kaffee

The Eaten Path A global collection of food and travel stories, 2008-2012

The Eaten Path

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Kaffee comic

Must Have Caffeine

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Alternative Title(s): Must Have Coffee

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понедельник, 22 января 2018 г.